Hindsight

Hindsight: n. The recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., after its occurrence. 

   Learning experiences and the feeling that you have no control seems to be the best way to sum up our journey thus far. Last night Keith and I had just come home after spending the day at my parents house playing with our two little nieces, while they are visiting this week, when we received a call from Building Blocks.  The call came on Keith's cell phone as I was trying to learn a new song on the piano, Keith got up really quick and walked over to me. Naturally, I thought it was my parents or his, because he had a very serious face, then he started asking questions and I knew then it was Building Blocks. I just sat and starred. Then he starting writing stuff down on a post it, and his face dropped. He wrote down a number, the cost of this particular "situation." It was high and at the top of our budget, which we aren't at all ready for, perhaps after taxes maybe, but not now. The baby was born the other day and will be discharged on Dec. 28th. The parents had just decided on adoption and so they were seeking out profiles. We both gritted are teeth as they told us the general profile of the mother and we exchanged looks, neither one of us wanting to tell the other we just can't do this one right now. It's like looking in the window of a toy store and wanting something so bad, but you only have half the amount. We told them we just couldn't afford that "situation" right now and they confirmed that we would need the money on hand.

   This was not  a pleasant ending of a good day, but rather mournful. We both tried to look at it as another learning experience that we are sure we will be able to see one day in hindsight. Since we began the journey towards building our family we have encountered so many steps a long the way. We soon realized that you can not skip the bumps and pot holes in the road, but you have to carry over them to move forward.  We began at step A and to get to D we had to go through B and C. So this, logically, must be another required step and that God has us on track. Perhaps this is just God lighting a fire under us to get prepared, so we will be ready whenever the call comes to hop on a plane, if necessary, to go find our baby. Keith said, "this just wasn't our turn." As awful as it is to admit it, I'm sure that this is just another step in the right direction. It has actually given me a lot of hope. Through Building Blocks we have had so many "situations" already that surely it won't be long and when our "situation" comes a long we'll be as ready as we can be.

  Hindsight has always been my most important teacher in life. The celerity that comes after a situation and a better understanding of purpose and hope really is motivating and makes me thankful that we have God on our side in this adventure we are on. No one ever said this would be easy, plenty of people said it would be the hardest thing we ever do in our life, but we just have to remember we are not on this road alone. I was reminded of that on Christmas Eve. My parent's hosted our family Christmas Eve party this year and as always we had a good turn out. We all sat around talking and catching up. The family all asked how things are going in our adoption and many of them are following this blog, they offered so much encouragement and most of them are just interested in how this process actually works, so I'm glad this is an outlet that I can share our experience with them and others.  Our family, as always, has been very close and supportive of one and other. We have all been through a lot. We have shared in wonderful moments, births, graduations, cook outs, and vacations; and we have really seen each other through some awful times in our family, through loss, sickness, death and grief we have unified as a group of faith.

  Our family has always been what you might call "religious," always proud, and at times a little embarrassing. It is through the make up of our family that really strengthens us in these hard times. I look at our struggle to begin a family and I am reminded our truly Blessed we are. Keith and I feel that we are only two people in this world and though we can build a family on our own we have been blessed beyond belief with our love for one and other and the truly remarkable group of family and friends that have our backs to pray for us and always offer words of encouragement. It doesn't make things bounce off of us, but it allows us to see the light at the end of the tunnel and move forward and bounce back after a blow. After all, a new year is about to begin and I think 2012 is our year!