The Clock According to God

In this vast world we live in it is, honestly, easy to buy into the media hype that is blown around that the world is getting far worse than it ever was or has been before. Perhaps that is true, the inequality that is rampant throughout the world and the loss of innocent lives have become to numerous to count. The Worlds children are no longer coddled in innocence, children around the world are starving, religious and cultural stigmas play into every back stabbing circumstance imaginable all in the name of "doing what is right" and still we wonder why is our world such a mess.

And still...I sit here in awe of the life I live, a very blessed life when you look around the world and see the chaos and discord that rips the world apart. The process of building a life together, for Keith and I, has always been about partnership. Sometimes I don't understand him and I am sure it is the same on his end; but it is always our love that brings us back together in search of understanding and a peace between us. Granted it has never been too serious, but as with any relationship or marriage there are times you are on one end of a decision and they are on the opposite side.

Shortly after we had Liam I thought we would never try again to expand our family. I was overwhelmed with the responsibility that this little boy needed and though I was so in love with him from the moment I looked at his little swollen face in that hospital bassinet; I can tell you honestly, I was not sure I would be able to stretch any more love of that magnitude on another child. And still my heart wondered. When Liam turned one year's old, he began to do as all children do, to run away from me. He no longer needed me as much as he did in those first few weeks and it was quite invigorating to see him mature and show a little independence. It was in those moments my heart wondered about one more and that little sliver of hope began to build within me. Sometime last fall I decided that yes, I did indeed want another child. I approached Keith one night and told him how I was feeling, as I do all the time, but I was a bit apprehensive. The discussion did not go as I had hoped (I imagined him hopping up in down as I felt inside: Something I've never seen my lovable husband do and he has informed me I won't be seeing that any time soon.).

At any rate he had reservations, as I did, and so for the time it was simply a no. Now all of you that know me quite well understand that I don't tend to take the answer "No" very well. I was compelled and the argument was a bit heated, but it the end I had no choice but to respect his decision. After all, building a family through Adoption is not a decision one makes in a partnership, each of us have to be 110% committed or you might as well forget it, because adding a child to your family is definitely not a task one should do flippantly through adoption. I went on and reminded myself how blessed I am and how in love I am with these two wonderful guys I have in my life. I asked myself if I should really ask for more when I've been so blessed and given the circumstances around the world I should be happy with the life I was living. So, in time I found peace in the fact that my life was already thrice blessed; once with a wonderful group of friends & family to share this journey, second the journey that brought me to the love of my life through online dating, and finally the journey of a lifetime to find the little boy that taught me what motherly love is all about. After all I thought, "I have everything I ever wanted and blessed beyond reason."

After awhile somehow I had found peace (or so I thought), but as I watched the interactions of my sister with her two daughters and my Mom with me; I realized there was a special, if not sacred, bond that daughters and mothers seem to share. After all my Mom is my best friend. I can go to her about anything and she is always there to steer me clear, set me in my place, and offer her words of wisdom or shoulder to cry on. But still Keith's answer was no and I pushed that yearning down within and trying to sit on the boiling hope that seemed to only intensify the harder I pushed.

And yet...God said one more. Then something I prayed long and hard about, Keith came to the same conclusion and came around to my side of the table. There would be one more child to our little family. It seems that I take quite awhile to learn things and God keeps repeating the same thing over and over. The lesson that I keep having to relearn, is that God's timing is perfect and no one, especially not I, can understand or calculate when and where God wants certain events to take place. God's timing is perfect and is essential and everything happens for a reason.